Which most of every person in the world struggles through in their life time like their body image, relationships, carers, their health or who they are as an individual. For me the journey took me four years to do and sometimes I still find my self walking along the same path. I wish we all came in to this world knowing what we were going to do and turn out like and who we are, but we don’t. Sadly, we need to go through this long hard dark depressing tortuous journey with multiple curve balls being thrown us nearly every day, but the only thing is to live with them. Well that’s what I did as I wasn’t finished this journey and wasn’t ready to accept who I was or what I am. The biggest curve ball that I was faced with in my journey unsurprisingly was my sexuality at the difficult age of twelve. Where one day where me and my friends where watching tv and my friends started to point out the actresses what they thought were hot then I began to think why wasn’t I looking at the actresses like that? why don’t I look at any girl like that? Then it hit me My throat was get tighter by the minute getting harder to breath with each breath my heart was bursting out of my chest my brain was nub until the answer surfaced, Am I gay? From there that’s when everything changed for me.
I just didn’t fit the stereotypes of gay men.
Which society made me believe as is portrait in movies and social media. I was obsessed with football all throughout primary school. GAY MEN ARE ALL FEMININE, LOVE SHOPPING AND ARE QUEENS. Don’t even get me started on the term “queen.” It's unbelievably insensitive to us as everyone thinks that we are bitch two face people and what to be one of the gals well guess what we don’t, also something which I hate is that we are supposed to be fashion forward shopping lovers. I’d also had crushes on girls. So, my insight at the time was as sudden as it was opposed with who I thought I was. I fought it relentlessly. For that moment on I had to keep a secret a secret that would take everything from me my happiness, freedom, enjoying life.
My confidence chipped away bit by bit whenever I convinced myself a girl was attractive
But deep down I know was not true. So, I thought I could make my self not gay and started to search it online, so I convinced myself if I went to church I would be straight in not time. But this was not true I went for a month and I made me bit by bit depressed as god didn’t even love me anymore and if the person who created life and forgives didn’t love me what chance did I have with my own family? So, I decided to just ignore the feeling I had for the same sex and get on with my life.
Sadly, this wasn’t easy even tho how hard I tried I couldn’t switch off these feelings that I had. From then my mind set changed that if I distance my self from my family it would hurt less when they find out and stopped loving me. I did everything I could to stop them from finding out.
Fast forward four years.
I’m still trying to keep the same boring secret that am GAY but hopefully not for long!
It’s like am under water, can’t breathe my head is about to explode no way to escape and no one is throwing me a life jacket. Me and my friends wanted to do something, so they suggested we go to the pride parade and they had no knowledge at the time I was gay.
So, I agreed to go, that night after making plans to go to pride. I thought to myself: this is it, this is when you are going to come out. Tell everyone who you really are. Be free of the secret that was killing you, I would finally be able to breathe again, and see who my true friends are. I started planning what I was going to do/ say to the people who I’ve known for most of my life, the people I grew up with.
That night I began to really think about the situation which I was faced with, how everyone would react. My eyes start to fill with water as I versioned myself coming out to them my body just froze all over, I felt numb, emotionless. Inside the tears were still steaming down my face soaking the floor drop by drop when all the dreadful, horrifying thought crossed my mind; What if, they don’t except who I am, what if the hate me? if all the things that flashed before me was true? What would I do then?
I’m sitting in bed examining the ceiling wanting on the alarm to go off BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!
I then attempt to get ready, looking in the mirror drained of emotion/ burned out nothing else has crossed mined. I stubbled down stairs to get some breakfast but couldn’t eat my stomach was in knots. I couldn’t keep anything down I was too stressed about what the day was going to in tale as this is the day. I come out of the so-called closet the day is say to the full world look at me or the day, my family disowns me. So, I walk to the car with a fake smile on my face acting like everything was normal. I meet up with my friends, we are all dressed in rainbow colours sparkling like a disco ball with all the glitter we had on trying to find our way to the pride parade. One hour and a half and walking what felt like forever we final get there. It was like walking into a whole new world it was like the full of Glasgow in one place. Colour exploding everywhere there wasn’t a dull spot in slight.