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The Japanese have actually a term,kenzoku, which translated literally means «family.» The connotation recommends a relationship between those who've made the same commitment and whom perhaps for that reason share the same destiny. It suggests the current presence of the deepest connection offriendship, of life lived as comrades through the remote past.

Many folks have individuals inside our lives with who we feel the relationship described by the term kenzoku. They could be family relations, a mother, a brother, a daughter, a cousin. Or a buddy from grammar school with who we'ven't talked in decades. Time and distance do absolutely nothing to diminish the relationship we now have with one of these kinds of buddies.

Issue then arises: how come we now have the sort of chemistry encapsulated by your message kenzoku with just a few individuals we know and not ratings of other people? The closer we search for the answer the greater amount of evasive it becomes. It may not in fact be possible to understand, but the traits that comprise a kenzoku relationship most certainly are.


  1. Common interests. This probably ties united states closer to our friends than many want to acknowledge. When our interests diverge and now we can find absolutely nothing to enjoy jointly, time invested together has a tendency to rapidly reduce. Not that we can not nevertheless care profoundly about friends with whom we no longer share typical passions, but it's probably unusual for such buddies to interact on a regular basis.
  2. History. Nothing ties people together, also people who have small in accordance, than having been through exactly the same difficult experience. As the single glue to keep friendships entire in the end, however, it usually dries, cracks, and eventually fails.
  3. Common values. Though certainly not sufficient to create a friendship, if values are way too divergent, it's burdensome for a friendship to flourish.
  4. Equality. If one friend needs the support associated with other on a frequent foundation so that the individual depended upon receives no advantage besides the opportunity to help and encourage, even though the relationship might be significant and valuable, it can't be believed to determine a real friendship.


  1. A commitment to your joy. A real friend is regularly ready to put your delight before your friendship. It is stated that «good advice grates regarding the ear,» but a true friend won't avoid letting you know something you never wish to hear, something which could even risk fracturing the relationship, if hearing it is based on your absolute best interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to fix you if you are wrong. A genuine friend will confront you with your drinking issue since quickly as let you know about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back you cannot see yourself.
  2. Not asking you to put the relationship before your maxims. A true friend will not request you to compromise your concepts in the title of the friendship or whatever else. Ever.
  3. A good impact. A real friend inspires you to definitely live up to your very best potential, never to indulge your basest drives.

Of course, we may have buddies who fit these requirements but still never quite feel kenzoku. There nevertheless appears to be a supplementary element, an attraction much like what attracts individuals together romantically, that cements buddies together irrevocably, usually straight away, for no reason either individual can determine. However when you discover these people, these kenzoku, they're like priceless gems. They're like finding house.


This one is easy, at the least on paper: be a real buddy yourself. One of my favorite quotations arises from Gandhi: «Be the change you intend to see on earth.» Function as the friend you wish to have. All of us tend to attract individuals into our everyday lives whoever character mirrors our very own. It's not necessary to make your self into everything think other people would find attractive. No real matter what your aspects of interest, others share them someplace. Merely make yourself a big target. Join social clubs arranged around activities you love. Leverage cyberspace discover folks of like head. Do something.

As I thought about it, you will find four people in my life I give consideration to kenzoku. Exactly how many can you?

Dr. Lickerman's book, The Undefeated Mind: on Science of Constructing an Indestructible personal, can be obtained now. Please see the sample chapter and check out Amazon or Barnes & Noble to purchase your copy today.

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